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FUCK EVERYTHING.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 9:35 PM   I'm feeling rather restless. Went to meet these two awesome best girls just now. Met up kalysa first to cover up chemistry homework and chit-chatted. Told her these and that to ease everything. Sigh, it's a tough decision though. Something happened and i don't wish to elaborate. Then, breakfast-ed at KFC. Okay, no. Lunch-ed i supposed. Haha. Thanks dear for the treat. Ate at Rivervale Mall KFC, and then saw Fah and Sal there too! Miss that biatch, really. Done eating, off to meet Iffah at Compasspoint as Kalysa has got tuition to attend to. Walked to the library and then did one or two questions of math homework as i was really not in the mood. Pathetic -.-'. Bought bubble-tea and walkedwalked around SKPS estates there. Miss those primary school times very much. Took photos { lazy to upload the rest }, talked to Iffah about these and that and off home as she has got curfew. Nothing much today. Got home, received bad news from mom. I really couldn't get the hang of all these. FUCK EVERYTHING OKAY. I'm really paranoid and upset. I'm not in the mood to do anything or whatever. I'm off. JUST FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE! :'( Labels: Helpless now. Reasons.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 8:59 PM  A decision is a very tough responsibility to be made. I've thought about it and still thinking. I've discussed it with mom, but will everything be okay if i were to choose it that way ? Recently has been alot of thinking for me. How my life would be and all. I'm trying to slowly stand on my feet again. I'd hope to pull through everything. I guess i have to start anew and try to put all those past behind me and move on with life. I know it's going to be hard, but i've to push and force myself. I can't be like this continously. I've to start to do something about myself now. I can't always depend on people right ? All i need is someone to just be there for me throughout. : (  Beloved Brother ; Rosli ♥ Wondering how you are now eventhough i'm alil updated about you recently. Things were not like before and we're both busy with our ownselves. Miss the old days badly. Those times we laughed like noone's business and always being there for each other. You're the strongest, yet a humble brother i've ever had. The awesomest i could say. (: I know you're having your problems here and there. Don't give up and always stand strong on both feets okay ? Your laughter and your smiles are the greatest medicine ! I'm sure you'll manage to pull everything smoothly. Meet up soon, please. I miss you, brother. : (  Dearest Friend ; Ammar Well, i admit that i've made mistakes and you too right ? I don't know why you're being like this now. Is this some kind of revenge towards me for that day that i treated you ? I felt guilty honestly. Even Laila and Qin knows how i'd feel. I made my move by apologising to you when i first got home that day. I asked you again if you felt offended or something by me and you said it's okay as you don't mind. I don't feel your words. I know that something's wrong with you somewhere and you wouldn't tell me either. I texted you twice or thrice and still you didn't reply. Even if it was my fault, why were you so mad ? I did apologise. Everyone does mistakes, like what you said. Then, what now ? Is all the blame being pushed on me ? I tried enough. I texted you and you didn't reply. But when Qin texted you, you did. I know i shouldn't treat you that way. But i couldn't help. I totally felt awkward out of a sudden and i really don't wanna give you real high hopes. And that was gonna be the last text you're gonna receive from me eversince if you feel that you don't wanna contact me anymore. I've tried and the decision is all yours now. I can do no more. Aside from that, thanks for those times you gave me laughters, advices, care and concern, and those sweet texts. I appreciate it all very much. You're a great friend, really. I'm hoping still for your reply and the truth from you. But if you're still going to be silent, i'm losing a great friend. I'm sorry. Labels: W H Y ? Guilt.
Thursday, December 17, 2009 10:41 PM  Confused, guilty, paranoid. I kept asking what's my decision that i will be making soon as that really going to affect my future. I pitied mom and dad. But what should i do ? It'll be a heavier responsibility for me in the future, i know. Still, i've to do something to help and save this family. I'm just a fifteen years old teenage girl. Will i be able to help much ? I'd really hope so. Sigh. Sitting alone and tear every night, is that what am i continously going to do ? That ain't helping, but i really can't help it though. It really saddens me everytime when seeing mom and dad have to get paranoid with all that's happening and get upset with theirselves when they are really in need, especially dad. How i'd hope our family could be like before. Very well, it's parts and parcels of life. Even, it's too challenging at times. Mom must not know that i'm thinking these much of them. I don't want to add up to her worries since while. Mom, dad, let's have faith and keep praying and trying together. I know i couldn't repay you guys back of all those sacrifices you've made for us. But i'll try okay, mom ? I'll see how it goes. If it's the best for our family, i'll be honoured to sacrifice. Someone ; Sometimes, i'd felt that what i am hoping for and what i am doing is really bad much and impossible ? I guess i'm hoping for something that might not be fulfilled ? I've got those instincts telling me that i'm really in the wrong of doing things that are supposed not to be. I wanted to disappear from you. But on the other hand, i know that i am badly in need of you. I can't deny that you're still living inside of me. Emotionally, i'm insane of losing you. Day and night, i kept thinking of how you're doing, and still expecting your calls and your texts. But practically, i know that ain't gonna happen. You have your life and i've got my instincts telling me that you're trying to get rid of me slowly so that i could forget you and be with reality. I realised and i'm aware. Just that i couldn't help these shit feelings that i'm going through everyday. You may think i'm happy ? Happier with my guyfriends and lead back a normal life ? No, because you might have got the wrong judgement. I tried enough but i couldn't. But don't you worry, i'm still going to treat you as a friend in reality and bare all those pain within me as long as i'm aware that you'll still be someone in my life again. I don't know why i kept hoping much for your texts, your calls and your presence when i know that it'll be difficult to. My promise, i'll always keep praying for your happiness and your success day and night. And may you pull through everything. I can't lie that i Ammar ; I apologised that things have to be like this now. You're forgiven and i believed you deserve another chance. But deep down, i'm still hurt and offended. Even mom and aunt too. From that incident onwards, i don't know why i'm like beginning to feel lazy to be updated about you anymore. You told me to call but i didn't. I'm sorry that i tend to ignore. You've got your reasons, i know. But at certain points, mom does have her valid reasons that made me realise too. I know you're using prepaid, but you can't really always expect me to call you up. You're working right ? But then, why aren't you topping up still if you've got the cash. Isn't that weird ? We've just known each other for a few weeks and that is so unexpected for someone to trust an outsider that easy right ? I need time. I'm beginning to feel awkward now. I'm sorry if i had to neglect you for as i've got my problems too and i can't always put my attention towards you. I don't mean to keep you wondering or feel neglected. And please, i ain't the type of a bitchy girl that goes around after a guy and then another. How could you thought of me like that ? I'd hope our friendship will get better soon okay ? I'd feel guilty somehow too. And i'm hesitating whether i should feel that way sometimes either. Sigh. Labels: Am trying. Confused.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 2:26 PM  What am i supposed to do now ? Should i do something about myself, my family and him ? Should i be more considerate about others too or just be selfish ? Labels: Paranoid. Disappointed.
Monday, December 14, 2009 12:11 AM  Frustrated, sad, upset, angry. Supposingly, it was a group outing right ? But it ended up with only Laila, Naufal and myself ? We all planned it and mostly said yes. And when the time came, Sepet and you disappeared. Syiqin doesn't want to tag cause of Sepet. Everything was so impromptu, very. The three of us stood at the bus-stop for like half an hour just think of where to head next. Yesterday was so pathetic, i swear. Without being so choosy anymore, we all headed to Grandlink. Got there at 6pm and karaoke-ed till 8pm. After which, off to get ice-creams at TKC and went to stop by to watch Kuda Kepang for awhile. Reached Sengkang around 10.30pm and then Laila's mom invited Naufal and myself to tag to Changi Beach with her friends. Had some misunderstandings with dad and i felt guilty to both parties. Decided to tag and got at Changi at 11pm. Blablabla, got home late and got alil screwed. I'm lazy now to list everything down here. I'm feeling so moodless and very fucked up, ohh please ? I'm really disappointed with you. You agreed convincingly and ended up you disappeared just like that ? Are you a man of your words ? You don't seemed to. Now, you've given my mom and my aunt a very bad impression of yourself. Not to only them, but myself too. I don't understand your intentions. You've been bragging about wanting to meet up and stuff. And when things have been planned, you disappearerd. Do you think i favour being treated like this ? It's really not logic if you were to make up some stupid, lame excuses whereas i've been trying every single thing to reach you when you didn't even respond till the very day today. I've texted you, i've called you. No response, no nothing. And when Laila tried calling you on the very same day at night, it was ringing. What was that supposed to mean ? What were you thinking ? I understand that you're working and you may be tired. But i did very well asked you again and again the day before if you were really sure about it. You said yes. I was on your words. Ended up, you gave false hopes. You gave all of us false hopes. We were really hoping for your presence with us this time round. Upsettingly, you didn't fulfill it. Are you feeling guilty now till you're so not contacting me till today ? Better be. Please don't be a jerk cause i don't wanna regard you as that too. Naufal told me to give you the third chance. But do you really deserve it ? Let's see. Don't ever expect me to be a fool to go and make the first move to you alright. Knowing you was nice. Laughing with you was awesome. Talking to you was comfortable. But when it comes to decision, that's so killing me. It's just the beginning and you're already messing things up. And thanks for somehow making me realise how guys are sometimes. We can still be friends though. Friends and nothing more. { No one else could replace Labels: There ain't another you. Sorry.
Friday, December 11, 2009 1:48 PM I'm sorry. I forgot that i shouldn't be bothering you anymore. I'm sorry that i'd disturbed you yesterday as i totally forgot that we're just friends now. Hope that you can pull through anything okay ? Takecare. Labels: It took control over me. I tried so hard.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009 11:57 PM I tried, very hard. But why is it still the same ? No changes, no nothing. I tried really hard to hold on strong and keep all the secrets within myself. But i simply can't. Everything have changed, alot that i'd see. But this same old girl isn't changing at all. It has really taken control over me and i'm helpless of what to do. I seek no help cause i know it won't change still. All i need is that one thing, that one person. I'm not asking for more. I know, very well, it won't be the same again. I'm not putting on any high hopes like i used to cause i know that will really break the hell of out me badly. You have your life and i have mine now. I'm just a normal human being and i am aware that i can do nothing to soothen your decision. It's a tough one, yes. And if that's the best for you, i'm always behind you. I'm not saying good bye cause i'm still hoping for you. But i'll just disappear from your life and not wreck things up. Incase if anything, take good care okay ? All that's left is only memories. Beautiful and unforgettable memories. I wanna thank you. Thank you for all those times you were being there for me when i was at my lowest. Thank you for all those guidance you've been giving me throughout my journey in life. Thank you for always making me smile and laugh without fail even when you know i was really upset with something. Thank you for keeping my secrets safe with you. And i really wanna thank you for every single thing you've done for me, even those that i didn't list it down here. I'm really thankful and greatful that God has introduced someone as nice as you in my life. I'll never forget you even i had to go far, never. You mean alot to me, you really do. But it seems that you don't really know ? I don't blame you for anything cause i believe that everything happened for a reason. I just need strength to overcome all these. But i don't have it at all now. Alot, and much more that i wanna express it out. But it's all unreplaceable by words. I can't type all these feelings out like i'd thought i could. Everytime i'd think of you, tears will begin to wet my cheeks. I wanna pretend no more as i'm really sick and tired of it. Pretending is so not me. I know that someday i'll still have to open up. I'm still hoping for you, but let me just keep you as a secret to the world. I guess that's the best for you and for myself. And not forgetting, thank you for making me know what life really is. Please don't hold your hopes too high ? Please don't expect me to say words that i couldn't. Please don't ask questions that i couldn't answer at this moment. I'm beginning to see something out of you but sadly, i don't think i'm going any further for now. I just don't feel right sometimes. And i'm sorry that i had to pretend at certain point of times. Friends told me to go for you but i simply can't. My heart hasn't yet been unlocked for someone. I really don't wanna see you getting hurt in the future if you keep holding your hopes too high. The atmosphere isn't just right yet. I'd really hope you understand my situation and my intentions. I don't wanna mess things anymore as i've had enough of doing things that i really don't wanna do. I am still trying to be me when i'm simply somebody else now. Labels: Let me keep you as a secret to the world. I realised now.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 11:23 AM  Ku akui ku sangat sangat menginginkanmu Tapi kini ku sadar ku diantara kalian Aku tak mengerti ini semua harus terjadi Ku akui ku sangat sangat mengharapkanmu Tapi kini ku sadar ku tak akan bisa Aku tak mengerti ini semua harus terjadi Lupakan aku kembali padanya Aku bukan siapa2 untukmu Ku cintaimu tak berarti bahwa Ku harus memilikimu slamanya Ku akui ku sangat sangat menginginkanmu Tapi kini ku sadar ku diantara kalian Aku tak mengerti ini semua harus terjadi Labels: Final goodbye now ? Can i ?
Sunday, December 6, 2009 9:44 PM  Plans were so impromptu yesterday. Had a plan with mom to aunt's crib and play with bbycousin. But after getting ready to step out of the house, laila called. Blablabla, they convinced me like no tomorrow to tag with them to catch New Moon. I was like, errrr. Finally, get dressed again to follow them. Met iqin, laila and naufal first at the bust-stop and then off to Ehub to meet sepet and ammar there. On the way there, you'd texted, sounded pissed. I'm sorry i couldn't text or call anymore for now due to certain reasons. But yet i called. Still, you sounded mad ? Sighs, i got pissed when you're like that. Waited for them both till it was pouring. Walked thro and fro from Ehub to Downtown while waiting for them. The three of us got pissed, especially iqin. I was mad too. Especially iqin, i felt sorry for her. Chill girl. Tired of waiting, decided to go and eat first. THANKS FOR THE TREAT, YOU GUYS ! Afetr sometime, you both came. So late huh ? Just awhile and then you're off. At least, i still had a glance. Haha. After eating, went to pasir ris park for awhile. I was so reminded of those times we had. Sighs. Iqin then had to go off first to her aunt's bbq pit and left with naufal, laila and me to Ehub back again. Walked walked walked, and off back to sengkang. Planned to get a bubble-tea at compass point when we reached. But when we did, it's already 10pm. Wth, time flies so fast. Cancelled that plan and laila had an exchange of taste. Why not we grab an ice-cream in the middle of the night ! Hahah. Everything so silent, yet only the three of us were making hell noise like as if it's a bunch of people. Afterall, it was somehow fun spending the day with you guys. ~ Today, no plans actually. Being bored at home and suddenly was reminded of zie's sister's engagement ceremony. Decided to turn up with laila last minute, and also with teeny-weeny bbycousin. Went for awhile and then send bbycousin home first before proceeding to compass point to get our bubble-tea, whee ! Slacked with laila and then he called. Talked and crapped. Haha. Thought you wouldn't, lol. You've been asking when's gonna be our next meet-up and i kept saying don't know. Qinah's off tomorrow and i'd thought of sending her and meeting you up too along with naufal and laila. But i don't know if that could work cause' mom told me to follow her tomorrow. *Praying* Hmmm. I'm always praying and still hoping for your calls, your texts and your presence in my life once again. Will you, can you ? I miss you alot, i really do. Could you feel me here ?           Labels: Without you. Fucktard Girl.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009 8:13 PM  { Depressed } ; I'm really pissed and fucked up with myself now. I know i've changed and i'm really sorry, mom. I swear my tears are falling now. Why am i like this now ? I am not strong anymore to overcome all these problems now, no. Why can't people understand me ? Why can't someone just be fucking there for me ? I just feel total helpless and i'd felt that no one cared. All the people around me are all busy enough to even hear me out. It's okay as i'm getting used to keep these secrets alone within myself. I'm becoming more worst or what !? Am i being really a bad daughter now ?! Why am i like this ? I've lost everyone, eventhough they said i am not. Loneliness is all that has been accompanying me since while. How i'd wished i could have an imaginary friend that is willing to hear me out every single moment, how i'd wished. My feelings are all irreplaceable by words. I am fucking sad. And at this moment, tears are just wetting my cheeks. I would want to just express every single thing out here. But it's just so undescribeable. No one would even cared. Sighs :' ( Labels: No one cared though. Dying.
1:14 PM  I SHOULD JUST STOP WHATEVER I AM DOING NOW, EVERY SINGLE THING. I KNOW I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH BUT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALONE NO MATTER WHAT. I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. I SHALL JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE AND LET YOU LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. I DON'T WANNA BOTHER YOU ANYMORE NOW. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF OKAY ? I'LL BE GLAD TO BE THERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED SOMEONE. AND I'LL ALWAYS PRAY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND YOUR SUCCESS. Labels: I'm sorry. Left with memories.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 11:20 PM I do, badly. I guessed you've read or are reading my posts nowadays ? When you asked me, i'm sorry i had to lie. I know you know that i ain't any better. I pretended, yes i did. True, blogs are meant to be read. But after knowing that you've knew since while, i'd feel guilty. Really do. It's not because i really wanted to lie or hide. I just don't wanna trouble or be an additional problem you've got to think of. I really don't want to bother you anymore cause' i know you've had enough. I'm just a friend now and i'll do my part. Even when times i had to shed tears as it is so unbearable, i will still try for the sake of you. I just want you to be happy, i just want to see your smiles. But i don't know if i could be a stronger person each day. I'm always reminded of the old days and i swear it ain't any easy as people could think. Do you really want me to forget you ? Do you really want me to forget the old times we used to go through together ? I know i couldn't get the hang of this. So please don't ask me again whether i'm fine or not as i know i'm gonna be totally speechless to that question. I don't know if i should smile or cry, laugh or frown. I feel so empty now. Things are changing and situations are getting complicated. And, people are coming and leaving us. I'm tired, i'm giving up. I just hate the fact to try to be someone strong whereas i have to lie and when i'm actually not. I tried but i failed. I'm sorry that i can't be as strong as you are. All i can do is just to pretend, pretend and pretend. I shall just hide my dreams and my hopes with me, incase i need them again someday. I still remember the songs you sang and those times we had by the beach. Do you ? Getting to know you is really nice. Thanks for those times you made me laugh and made me forget my worst nightmares for sometime. But nevertheless, i don't know if i could be the best for you as i've still got my histories and i'm still not over it yet. You're really a great friend, an awesome one. I'm sorry when times i were making excuses to you as i had to. I'm just not ready any moment yet. I'd hope we could be friends first okay ? I'm asking myself, am i giving you hopes ? Cause' i could see those through you. But whatever it is, ohh no, not now. I'm just too sad, upset, down. That' all i could ever say at this moment. :'( |
