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Guilt.
Thursday, December 17, 2009 10:41 PM



Confused, guilty, paranoid. I kept asking what's my decision that i will be making soon as that really going to affect my future. I pitied mom and dad. But what should i do ? It'll be a heavier responsibility for me in the future, i know. Still, i've to do something to help and save this family. I'm just a fifteen years old teenage girl. Will i be able to help much ? I'd really hope so. Sigh. Sitting alone and tear every night, is that what am i continously going to do ? That ain't helping, but i really can't help it though. It really saddens me everytime when seeing mom and dad have to get paranoid with all that's happening and get upset with theirselves when they are really in need, especially dad. How i'd hope our family could be like before. Very well, it's parts and parcels of life. Even, it's too challenging at times. Mom must not know that i'm thinking these much of them. I don't want to add up to her worries since while. Mom, dad, let's have faith and keep praying and trying together. I know i couldn't repay you guys back of all those sacrifices you've made for us. But i'll try okay, mom ? I'll see how it goes. If it's the best for our family, i'll be honoured to sacrifice.

Someone ; Sometimes, i'd felt that what i am hoping for and what i am doing is really bad much and impossible ? I guess i'm hoping for something that might not be fulfilled ? I've got those instincts telling me that i'm really in the wrong of doing things that are supposed not to be. I wanted to disappear from you. But on the other hand, i know that i am badly in need of you. I can't deny that you're still living inside of me. Emotionally, i'm insane of losing you. Day and night, i kept thinking of how you're doing, and still expecting your calls and your texts. But practically, i know that ain't gonna happen. You have your life and i've got my instincts telling me that you're trying to get rid of me slowly so that i could forget you and be with reality. I realised and i'm aware. Just that i couldn't help these shit feelings that i'm going through everyday. You may think i'm happy ? Happier with my guyfriends and lead back a normal life ? No, because you might have got the wrong judgement. I tried enough but i couldn't. But don't you worry, i'm still going to treat you as a friend in reality and bare all those pain within me as long as i'm aware that you'll still be someone in my life again. I don't know why i kept hoping much for your texts, your calls and your presence when i know that it'll be difficult to. My promise, i'll always keep praying for your happiness and your success day and night. And may you pull through everything. I can't lie that i miss you and still does love you. I'm sorry.

Ammar ; I apologised that things have to be like this now. You're forgiven and i believed you deserve another chance. But deep down, i'm still hurt and offended. Even mom and aunt too. From that incident onwards, i don't know why i'm like beginning to feel lazy to be updated about you anymore. You told me to call but i didn't. I'm sorry that i tend to ignore. You've got your reasons, i know. But at certain points, mom does have her valid reasons that made me realise too. I know you're using prepaid, but you can't really always expect me to call you up. You're working right ? But then, why aren't you topping up still if you've got the cash. Isn't that weird ? We've just known each other for a few weeks and that is so unexpected for someone to trust an outsider that easy right ? I need time. I'm beginning to feel awkward now. I'm sorry if i had to neglect you for as i've got my problems too and i can't always put my attention towards you. I don't mean to keep you wondering or feel neglected. And please, i ain't the type of a bitchy girl that goes around after a guy and then another. How could you thought of me like that ? I'd hope our friendship will get better soon okay ? I'd feel guilty somehow too. And i'm hesitating whether i should feel that way sometimes either. Sigh.

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